Monday, April 26, 2010

My Love Affair With My Computer by Harvey Honsinger

Love affair with my computer? I'm calling it that, because it seems to be working out like all the love affairs I had before I met the long suffering, patient, intelligent, beautiful girl who too late discovered that she had believed all that I had told her. Enough of that.

Let me say that I am working on (with?) my third computer. Idiot box #1 was a "double floppy disk" model, with one disk telling the box what it wanted it to do and the other disk recording what the operator prayed he had told it to do correctly. The thing actually worked and made its typewriter-like printer set it down on paper, which came in a folded pile in a box with perforated holes on each side. I hated that damn thing, both in parts and in totality.

Then I got a new computer. My son was still home at the time, and he could make it do many wonderful things. If the weather was right, correct incantations said, and a multitude of keys struck in some cabalistic order, I could get it to turn on. Sometimes I could even get it to write and print an approximation of what I thought I had told it. It survived because of the big Number One Rule laid down by my dear, cautious wife. No weapons may be fired in the house unless human life is being threatened.

It was fickle. Just like a couple of my long lost loves. Ran hot and cold like a couple of others. It dished pleasure and pain at its personal whim, like another two or three females remaining nameless because of my personal creed of not speaking bad about the female species, having had two which were magnificent retrievers.

Now I sit before #3 having tried to figure how to get information off of a mini-floppy disk reader attached (successfully, by golly) which has on it a completed novel (hurray for our side) that cannot be transferred to my new 4 gigabyte usb stick-looking-thing which computer #3 tells me is plugged into the right hole (I always knew that 2-headed quarter would come in handy some day) and the stick is WORKING!!!. Working for who? (I know--for whom) How do I get the info to go on there? The disk being bigger than the stick, I cannot take the hammer and drive it in like a nail.

It's like girlfriend #13--tells me all is fine on the phone (let that read screen), but eyeball to eyeball is an ongoing lost cause. I never thought I could be as stupid about computers as I was about girls (and women).

I just checked. Dear wife is in the living room, so this infernal machine has survived for another day. Is there a sporting goods store close by that sells silencers for shotguns?

Harvey Honsinger, a 6th generation Texan, has six completed novels--westerns and historicals--and is actively marketing them. His short stories and poetry have been published in Arena Literary magazine. Harvey is an active member of the Thursday BWG critique group.


  1. Ha, ha, ha! Great, Harvey. We've all been there.

  2. Oh, Harvey, I just knew you would make me laugh this Monday morning. You never fail, this female of the species loves you to pieces. Funny, I have the same sort of relationship with my computer . . .

    Good to be in contact with you again. Hope to see you in November.


  3. Too funny! There is no win-win solution for most of us. I'm on my 7th PC. As soon as I learn and understand its whims and demands, it's time to buy a new one.

  4. ROFLOL Harvey!

    The first time I sat down at a computer was while attending Sowella 1989-1992 and I didn't even know how to turn it on!

    I was typing in my novel during breaks/lunch/etc and would save EVERY chapter - had no clue I could put them in 1 document - funny now but a MESS trying to retrieve and resave a 100K - 45 chapter novel!

    Great post, Harvey.

  5. I refuse to make comments about my computer, good or not so ##!!**#!! good. If i had to depend on a typewriter, or God forbid, my penmanship--I shutter to think. Good Blog, Harvey

  6. See?? SHUDDER not shutter. Geeze!

  7. What a great post! I think it's one most of us can relate to. Thanks for sharing!

  8. You made my day, Harvey. And darned if I couldn't read it without hearing your voice speaking the words out loud (really loud), ringing from the KPLC control room. You can check out any time, you know, but you can never leave.

  9. It's the first time I've fantasized about owning a gun. But only in self-defense.
    C Baldauf